I Want to Retire

So I'm employed once again, which has me dreaming of my retirement.

Hailing from a family of lower-middle class workaholics who laugh at the mere mention of the word "retirement," I'd never seriously considered doing it myself until recently. See, being unemployed sucked but it did show me that there can be more to life that chasing a paycheck. I got a TON of writing done, I became a better bread baker, and I started lifting weights.

Not so bad, right?

So Leah and I have a plan--okay, it's mostly my plan, but here it is:

I want to retire to Wyoming and raise Alpacas.

I know, I know...crazy right? But hear me out. The last summer vacation I took with my family (over 10 years ago) was to the American West. We went to South Dakota and Wyoming--and it was fantastic. Beautiful country, amazing animals, and most importantly FEW PEOPLE. Those of you who know me are aware that I'm a bit of a hermit, who would love nothing more than to just be left alone.

And friends, that's practically the State motto of Wyoming:

Now, the alpaca thing is bit more complicated. See, my wife and I love animals (okay, I like them--SHE loves them) and we've always wanted to live on a "farm." Well raising animals for meat is not something Leah is capable of doing. She knows it, I know it. There is no way she could ever part with a big 'ol friendly steer or chicken. Instead, our farm would quickly turn into a barnyard sanctuary. Alpacas are good because you don't raise them for meat (in this country) you raise them for their soft fur. They're cute and they're easy going animals. I can almost see us now: Grandma Leah shaving the Alpacas while I stand far back and tell her to be careful with the razor.

For my birthday last week, Leah took me to the Zoo where we pet an Alpaca. It was so soft and warm feeling. I like to call them "bunny-deer" because they a have rabbit heads. We saw one spit on this really annoying kid, it was an awesome birthday present (thanks Alpaca).

Anyway, now that I'm starting my new job, I'm going to be more responsible with my money. Instead of investing all my dough in CD's (music cd's) I'm going to start saving for my golden years. Down on the farm with Leah and the Alpacas.

BONUS: Check out this awesome business I found online. Maybe Leah and I can buy a franchise!

My Wife + My Money = VIKING FUNERAL

I've written about marriage/being married before, but I'm not sure if the non-married people who read this blog can truly understand what it's like to be married. There are many "pros" to being married:

I get up in the morning--and someone is there!

I go to bed at night--and someone is there!

I get sick--and someone is there to take care of me!

I get lost--and someone is there to help me find my way!

I have an extra sandwich--and someone is there to help me eat it!

So far, sounds pretty sweet don't it? I'm never lonely, I have a nurse for when I'm ill, I get real-time turn-by-turn directions when I'm lost, and my extra food doesn't spoil.

But what you might not know, is that there is a darker side to marriage. Shocking, I know right?Now, before I continue, let me say that I'm writing about this at great personal risk--but I'm a journalist, I tell the truth because I don't know any other way to be BUT 100% HONEST.

The dark side of marriage isn't covered in the media, and is never spoken of in public...but it's this: women are fucking VIKINGS!!!

I discovered this the very first week of our marriage.

When I came home that first Friday, my new blushing bride took my paycheck--the whole damn thing--and she put it in a boat. Not just any kind of boat, mind you, but a traditional Scandinavian longship (you know, those "viking" ships you see in cartoons and on the History Channel). It might not have been 100% authentic, but it looked damn near museum-quality to me.

Anyway, she put my paycheck into this boat...and then she pushed it into the ocean! Let me be clear: my wife wasn't escaping with my money and she wasn't giving it to someone else (say, an accomplice) who was leaving with my money. No, this was stranger--there was no one in the boat. Just before the current could sweep it away for good, she roared and thumped her chest (you know, like you see in cartoons and on the History Channel).

Then, and this is important, she STRUCK a match and LIT MY MONEY ON FIRE. My wife gave my money a VIKING FUNERAL!!!

Initially I thought "Hey, my wife is a Viking...cool" I also thought "maybe this burning my money is just a one-time only thing." Little did I realize that my wife being a Viking isn't "cool," not at all. It's fucking scary.

Oh, and it wasn't just a "one-time" thing either. This same funeral rite is performed every week, only on Fridays. It's scary, but what's worse everyone thinks Leah is a nice, sweet girl--NOT a scary Viking. Well she is, but I wouldn't expect you to take my word for it! I got proof! I got photographic evidence, see for yourself.

But I must warn you, this image will chill your blood:

The truly brave will click the pic, and see the full-screen horror!

Happy Friday, honey.