A Quick Message at the Mega Church

"... and that, my brothers and sisters, concludes this morning's sermon.

"Now, I want to take a moment here at the end of this, our first nationally syndicated service, to talk about something that's been plaguing my heart for days now.  I promise it'll only take a minute or two, so as we're not running over into time allotted for Travis Jones's Prayer Power Hour or whatever else fine programming the Cristian Broadcasting Network decides to air.

"Ha ha!  And, you, Sister Jones, don't you worry one fake feather in your sunhat that you won't make it to the Denny's noon lunch special!  Ha ha!

"Our church has seen its fair share of changes in its time.  Why, I've seen it grow from a twig to a tree in my fifteen-plus years here.  I remember it having just a few leaves -- like you, Sister Marsha, and you, Brother Marcus Levinson, who was just a young pup when we opened the doors and let the light o' God shine on out -- and now, we've got an entire tree full.  Some are smaller, and some of us are, well, bigger, if you know what I mean!  Ha ha!  We have over three thousand God-fearing, selfless people, to put things in perspective.  Several of you have known me for all of those fifteen-plus years.  Many of you have known me for nearly as long.

"I want to address something that's come up recently, something so heinous and unspeakable that I'm loathe to even broach the subject.  But I feel it's important to not let these ... rumors ... gain a foothold.

"As many of you have probably heard, a dear, dear member of our teen youth group, Brother Deshawn Clift -- who's eighteen -- has stated that there have been, between him and myself, certain ... indiscretions.

"Now, now!  I know it's hard to hear, but I want to talk about this and make sure we all know the truth of the matter:  Brother Deshawn is a, a troubled young man of eighteen -- which makes him legally an adult.  I don't know the movies he watches, what music he listens to, or whose company he keeps, but it is obvious that he's been taken over, his mind ... infected by the seed o' the devil!  His judgment has been clouded by Lucifer himself.

"One year ago next month will be the anniversary of the missionary trip Brother Deshawn and I took to Uganda, the month-long trip which our confused but good-hearted, green-eyed, athletic brother believes put the two of us in a compromising position with another young man who is not a 'prostitute' as some major news organizations have reported.  Mistakenly.

"Brothers and sisters, this troubles me deeply.  My job as pastor is to protect you all from the influence of the devil, and to have this filth slung up in our faces is ... is ... Oh, it just breaks my heart.  Now, as you all know, ever since the beginning I have taught that hommasexuality is a sin.  Plain and simple.  I've been married to my lovely wife, Denise, for almost twenty-five years, and although we don't have children -- for personal reasons which are entirely unnecessary to discuss here -- we have built for ourselves a wonderful, stable relationship impervious to the temptation to be unfaithful.

"Intimacy is a ... a sacred gift.  One that should not be taken for granted, even for husbands and the women to whom they're married.  Intimacy is something that should be kept for special occasions.  The secret, my friends, is to save it for ... once a year.  Maybe every few years.  As the Lord intended.

"Anyway, we need to pray for our dear Brother Deshawn.  Pray that God shows him the truth about what happened on that trip to Uganda, so that this veil of confusion can be lifted!  Pray that the Lord reveals to him the truth of my hired ASSISTANT and the fact that there was only one cot for the three of us to sleep on, as well as the reality of it being so hot in our tent that clothing had to have been shed so as not to suffer some sort of nighttime heatstroke.

"Pray that this disheartening, deceitful story goes back down to the brimstone it was written with so that we all can get back to worshipping Almighty God and our newly-inked television deal with the Christian Broadcasting Network does not suffer in any way from these falsehoods floating around.

"Thank you all.  Let us pray."