My Wife + My Money = VIKING FUNERAL

I've written about marriage/being married before, but I'm not sure if the non-married people who read this blog can truly understand what it's like to be married. There are many "pros" to being married:

I get up in the morning--and someone is there!

I go to bed at night--and someone is there!

I get sick--and someone is there to take care of me!

I get lost--and someone is there to help me find my way!

I have an extra sandwich--and someone is there to help me eat it!

So far, sounds pretty sweet don't it? I'm never lonely, I have a nurse for when I'm ill, I get real-time turn-by-turn directions when I'm lost, and my extra food doesn't spoil.

But what you might not know, is that there is a darker side to marriage. Shocking, I know right?Now, before I continue, let me say that I'm writing about this at great personal risk--but I'm a journalist, I tell the truth because I don't know any other way to be BUT 100% HONEST.

The dark side of marriage isn't covered in the media, and is never spoken of in public...but it's this: women are fucking VIKINGS!!!

I discovered this the very first week of our marriage.

When I came home that first Friday, my new blushing bride took my paycheck--the whole damn thing--and she put it in a boat. Not just any kind of boat, mind you, but a traditional Scandinavian longship (you know, those "viking" ships you see in cartoons and on the History Channel). It might not have been 100% authentic, but it looked damn near museum-quality to me.

Anyway, she put my paycheck into this boat...and then she pushed it into the ocean! Let me be clear: my wife wasn't escaping with my money and she wasn't giving it to someone else (say, an accomplice) who was leaving with my money. No, this was stranger--there was no one in the boat. Just before the current could sweep it away for good, she roared and thumped her chest (you know, like you see in cartoons and on the History Channel).

Then, and this is important, she STRUCK a match and LIT MY MONEY ON FIRE. My wife gave my money a VIKING FUNERAL!!!

Initially I thought "Hey, my wife is a Viking...cool" I also thought "maybe this burning my money is just a one-time only thing." Little did I realize that my wife being a Viking isn't "cool," not at all. It's fucking scary.

Oh, and it wasn't just a "one-time" thing either. This same funeral rite is performed every week, only on Fridays. It's scary, but what's worse everyone thinks Leah is a nice, sweet girl--NOT a scary Viking. Well she is, but I wouldn't expect you to take my word for it! I got proof! I got photographic evidence, see for yourself.

But I must warn you, this image will chill your blood:

The truly brave will click the pic, and see the full-screen horror!

Happy Friday, honey.