Cartoons

My favorite historical figure, of all time, is Benjamin Franklin. Franklin was a true "Renaissance Man. " He did everything--he was a scientist, a historian, author, publisher, postman, inventor, politician, diplomat, etc. Nowadays people will tell you to "specialize" and focus on one thing...but I've always thought there was a place for the "jack-of-all-trades."

I'm a jack-of-all-trades.

One of the many interests I have is animation and comic books. I recently saw TOY STORY 3 with Mike, the other writer at this blog, and I loved it. I visit the local comic book shop at least one a month, and I watch cartoons. I'm not ashamed of it.

On my birthday I watched a Hayao Miyazaki film.

I'm kinda artistic, but I'm limited when it comes to drawing. That said, I've penned three different, multi-issued, comic books. The first was my "Tiny Batman" comic strip, which I created after my sister Amber got her first (yes, I said "first") Chihuahua. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to make a comic book about her dog dressing up as Batman. I did a couple of these. Sadly, none survive.

The second comic book I did a few years later. It was about a slacker-dude that looked like me (except he wore a viking hat) named George and a dinosaur named Timmy. The George and Timmy comic book was over 20 pages long, it was hand drawn by myself and had a pretty damn good plot (considering I was 19). I wrote it when the Olympics were in Australia (go look it up, I'm too lazy to do it) and the plot was that Timmy received a letter saying he was on the US Olympic team (but not which team) and he wanted to get to Sydney. I had another story idea where George and Timmy became ghost hunters, but my hand began to hurt from all the drawing so I gave up on it.

I would DO ANYTHING to see this comic book again. I have no idea what I did with it. I'm fairly certain that it's in a dump somewhere, because I threw it away in a fit of melancholy (yes, that happens to me sometime). But it's a crying shame, because I would love to scan it in and post it online. It was very funny and I spent several weeks on the drawings (which were some of the best I've ever done). Sadly, it is lost to the ages...much like the Holy Grail.

I did try and write a sequel a few years ago, though I only got the cover finished before running out of steam:

The third comic I've done is the SHEEPLE comic strip. I was at work, very bored and I had a bit of scrap paper in front of me. I was filled with political angst and no outlet--thus SHEEPLE was born. After I did the first post, I decided to turn it into it's own blog. I put out a few strips, then forgot about it/gave-up on it for a while. However when times get tough, or when the mood strikes me, I put out another one. If I tried to do this blog and the SHEEPLE blog I would HAVE NO LIFE. As sad at it sounds, coming up with one post a week is too hard--there is no way I could do both blogs. But damn if I don't try.

Since I've been a reader I've read cartoons (or "the funnies"). CALVIN AND HOBBES and THE FAR SIDE are my two all-time favorite comic strips. There couldn't be two different strips, one is very warm and loving--the other sly and cynical. I love the philosophy and the art of CALVIN AND HOBBES, it's almost like comfort food for your soul. THE FAR SIDE, on the other hand, is (usually) one perfect panel. I'm also partial to a really old strip called KRAZY KAT, which is a little like both CALVIN and FAR SIDE.

I'm was an English major. I love Dickens and Fitzgerald--but I also love Watterson and Herriman. I think it takes a special person to convey story and emotion through both text and pictures.

My favorite American Cartoon is THE SIMPSONS which had been a litmus of friendship for me for over 10 years (Mike and I are friends because he knows the episodes by heart). I think that's the cartoon that really made it okay for grown-ups to like 'toons. Though I don't think it would have made it onto the air had there not been shows like THE FLINTSTONES (which was also "for adults").

Oh, that reminds me of CARTOON NETWORK!

When I was in Junior College (back in '02) every Sunday night was "Adult Swim" night. Me and my then-girlfriend would eat doughnuts and watch cartoons like AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE and SEALAB on the cable channel Cartoon Network. Vulgar, violent, and bloody, ADULT SWIM was funny as hell and a great way to start the week. Eventually, the night's popularity bled over to all the days of the week and the novelty wore a bit thin. I was shocked to find none of the guys in the dorm watched ADULT SWIM on Sunday nights after I moved to St. Louis...but so it goes. I still love subversive cartoons. There's something about a "naughty" cartoon that gets me all hot and bothered.

Ultimately, cartoons are like those cave drawings they found in France...in that cave...

You know the one. Anyway, I'm not ashamed to say that I fucking love cartoons.

Horoscopes & The Fifth Moon of Vesuvius

Even though I know that no good will come of it, I read my horoscope nearly every day. I’ve been doing this since I was a “night-watchman” back in Kansas City. Then, at the end of my shift, a large truck from the Kansas City Star would lumber down the street and fling a stack of newspapers near my guardhouse. I’d shuffle out, Camel cigarette firmly clenched between my lips, and gather them up for all the big-wigs.

Of course, before they got their papers I’d read the sections that interested me. The front page, A&E, and the daily cartoons. This was how my day began and my night ended.

I’ve always found it a bit insulting that the brain-trusts who run the newspapers think the horoscope belongs next to the cartoons. Horoscopes are bullshit whereas the latest “Foxtrot” is not. Sure they’re both for “entertainment” I suppose…but come on they’re not even in the same league.

Horoscopes suck and are pointless.

Like all good "psychic" cons, horoscopes contain vague generalities that could mean virtually anything. They’re the prognostic equivalent of a Rorschach blot. Or, if you fancy STAR WARS—the scary cave on Dagobah where Luke faces his demons (and a vision of Darth Vader).

“What’s in there?” Luke asks before entering.

“Only what you take with you,” Yoda replies.

Still, I can't help but read them every day.

I guess I read the horoscopes because at heart I’m an eternal optimist. I keep thinking, “today’s the day there’s going to be something in here I can use.”

But there never is.

Anyway, I’m a Cancer--whatever the hell that even means.

Here’s a typical Cancer horoscope:

The crab seeks to hide in his/her shell today. The Fifth Moon of Vesuvius enters your Love House this week, so expect a great surprise that may not surprise you all that much. Enjoying fine food and friends coax the hermit-crab, but only briefly! If you aren’t in a committed relationship you soon will be! And if you are in a committed relationship expect to stay in it for some time to come!

Now let’s examine this, shall we? First off, someone a long time ago decided that people born in June are crabs. I don’t get this at all. Is June Crab-Month? Has it really always been Crab-Month and no one’s told me? Because crabs are seen as "loner" creatures that carry shells around, Cancers are somehow supposed to all be anti-social and like to stay home (so far this is fits me, actually). I refuse to believe that ALL people who are “Cancers” really fit this description.

Then this “fifth Moon of Vesuvius” thing comes ups.

Always some large galactic body is swooping into one of my “houses” to create either trouble or love (and sometimes, troubling love). I think this feeds our need to be the center of the universe (literally). The Fifth Moon of Vesuvius is entering MY house! Please, give me a break.

This next part, “expect a great surprise that may not surprise you all that much” is truly classic horoscope writing. This says nothing if you read it carefully (and are awake and paying attention as you read it). The next line talks about food and friends “coaxing the crab” out, which of course must happen—people run out of food and must go get more.

I wish I had a cheeseburger garden in my backyard so I wouldn’t have to leave the house, but I don't...nice predicting there horoscope!

But it’s the last bit that pisses me off because it’s so ridiculous—the horoscope itself is supposed to be written for Cancers, and yet this thing can’t decide if I’m in a relationship or not. So the horoscope covers its bases by saying “heck! If you are, then this…and if you’re not, then this!”

This is lazy predicting/forecasting/prognosticating of EPIC proportions.

Just for once I’d like to see a super-specific horoscope. Sure, it wouldn’t appeal to as many people…but the people that it DID apply to would be astounded.

For example, here is a horoscope that I would write:

John, you shouldn’t have eaten that burrito last night! You’re going to fart in the elevator and Melissa is going to smell it. Melissa, the cute girl from accounting! Take the stairs John, take them ALL DAY LONG. Also, your goldfish Andy is sick because the Fifth Moon of Vesuvius is in your Pet-Sickness House. Pick up some Goldfish medicine after work for him! Also, you’re not in a relationship and you won’t be until you shave that stupid mustache.

Sheeple