Natalie Burroughs: Sex Detective

RUSSELL: Um, hello? Miss Burroughs, are you in here? Your receptionist told me to come on in.

NATALIE: Yes, I’m Natalie Burroughs, Sex Detective. You must be Russell Muddige. You were supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago. I almost gave your appointment to a young woman convinced her boyfriend is sleeping with his science professor.

RUSSELL: Sorry. I hit traffic on the 101.

NATALIE: Well, now that you’re here, we can begin. Why don’t you step across my spacious, ornately decorated office and sit in one of the brown calfskin chairs in front of my impressive but not quite boastful glass desk.

RUSSELL: (confused) Why are you talking like that?

NATALIE: I apologize. Sometimes I lapse into talking like I’m giving narrative details. It only happens occasionally.

RUSSELL: To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing here. I saw your late-night commercial after an ad for a phone-sex chatline. I’m not even really clear on what a “sex detective” does.

NATALIE: Some people prefer the term “sextective,” which may clear things up.

RUSSELL: Not really.

NATALIE: Mainly we specialize in helping concerned spouses or significant others uncover whether or not their partners are having … um … undisclosed relations. When the situation is more internal and no infidelity can be proven, we try to get at the root of what the couple’s problem is. I take it something’s not right with your relationship and that’s why you’re here.

RUSSELL: (defeated) It is. I think my wife may be having an affair. She’s been distracted lately, and we haven’t made lovey-doves in almost three months.

NATALIE: Is that what you call it? “Lovey-doves”?

RUSSELL: (refocusing his attention) Yes. Why, does that mean something?

NATALIE: (deadpan) It just means that I’ve cracked a case in which a young man tried impregnating a cat repeatedly and you still take the trophy in my WTF competition.

RUSSELL: I suppose it does sound a little … cutesy. (pause) Oh god. You don’t think I’m the reason my wife’s out having an affair, do you?

NATALIE: Well, we can’t even be sure that your opposite sex life partner is actually having an affair. It’s too soon to jump to any conclusions. But, to answer your question: Yes.

RUSSELL: I can’t believe it. I mean, I figured that things, you know, in the bedroom might have been strained because of the long hours I work and my freakishly misshapen penis, but I didn’t realize that something so simple as a phrase could snuff out our love dumpling noodle time.

NATALIE: I’m staring at you, incredulously and with a hint of disgust.

RUSSELL: More narrative detail talk?

NATALIE: Sorry. It sneaks up on me.

RUSSELL: If I really am the cause of all this, what can I do to fix things?

NATALIE: First of all, you need to retrain the language center of your brain to not sound so … hmm, what’s the clinical phrase … “fucking retarded” when you’re talking about sex. We women like a man who isn’t afraid to plow it like it’s harvest time, if you know what I mean. And the same thing goes for the way you talk about getting freaky under the covers. Don’t shy away from terms and phrases like “skanky ho,” “cum-hungry pig,” and “I want to fuck the shit out of you.” They’re scientifically proven to trigger the affection regions of a woman’s brain mass.

RUSSELL: (repeating, as if to remember) Skanky ho. Cum-hungry pig. I want to fuck the shit out of you. Got it. And you think that this may help rekindle things between me and my elementary schoolteacher wife?

NATALIE: I think it’ll be a start.

RUSSELL: Thank you, Miss Burroughs. I really think this might just be the turning point in my marriage. I don’t know how you do it, but you’re something wubby-bubby-snubby-lubby indeed.