How to Make Your Very Own Googly-Eyed Seashell

Step 1: Acquire A Seashell

Perhaps the easiest way of finding a batch of seashells for your craft-making session is to start outside. Hopefully you will have chosen to reside in an area near a beach, seeing as seashells rarely make their way to places like cornfields or prairies. If you do not live near a beach, fear not; maybe this is a perfect opportunity to go on that trip you’ve always wanted to take to see your imprisoned uncle on the West coast, or maybe you have a friend with more money than you do who can bring seashells back to you from somewhere exotic. Whether you’re the one collecting, or someone else to whom you will now be indebted, make sure to gather an assortment of shapes, sizes, and colors. Seashells, much like fingerprints or tumors, are never exactly the same; still, you should look for pieces that cover a wide range, as you never know what situation might demand a handmade googly-eyed seashell.

Step 2: Assemble your accoutrements

Once you have your seashells, bring them to your crafting area. A crafting area can be something as ordinary as a kitchen table or, if you are homeless, as simple as a sheet of cardboard butted up against the side of a building. Regardless of where you’re at or how much protection you have over your head, this is your place, where you will be free to create exactly as I tell you to. Obviously the most important part of making a googly-eyed seashell (besides the seashells) are the eyes, which can be found almost anywhere. Craft fairs are breeding grounds for googly-eyes, which can be spotted and procured randomly beneath display tables. Don’t be afraid to look like a crazy person, rifling around beneath an elderly couple’s folding table; however, be careful not to accidentally knock anything over, as people tend to get angry when the twelve-inch hand-whittled garden gnome they’re selling for forty-eight dollars cracks his rather rushed-looking nose on the ground. I’m talking about you, Mr. and Mrs. Borthausen. If no craft fairs are gracing the surrounding area, don’t forget about craft stores. Even major department stores may have a special craft area with some. For “low-income” crafters, these are excellent places from which to steal.

The next thing you’ll need is glue, or some other adhesive substance. While it may be tempting to spring for a superglue, it is really unnecessary, unless you have the intention of giving a googly-eyed seashell to someone under the age of five, in which case, go for it — and smooth out any jagged shell edges to avoid any resultant cries of pain. Avoid using a glue stick, as they tend not to be strong enough.

Step 3: Get to work!

Now that you have everything together, place two drops of glue on the narrow end of the shell; this will be the top of your seashell. Now, take two googly-eyes (preferably mismatched sizes) and place them on the drops of glue. Press and hold for about three-and-a-half seconds to help ensure that they won’t fall off. The only thing worse than demonstrating for everyone just how crafty you are and having your creation fall apart as you hold it up is being raped and mauled by a bear.

Step 4 (optional): Bring it home

Sometimes, when I’m making googly-eyed seashells, all I need are the eyes and I’m satisfied. However, if you think your seashell needs a bit more personality, here are a few things you can do: a) use a magic marker to add features to your seashell’s face — maybe your shell’s having a bad day and wants to hit his children, so why not express that with a pair of intense eyebrows and an intimidating slash of a mouth? or maybe your shell’s forgotten her prescription anti-anxiety meds and is feeling a little … edgy, so what would be better than a zig-zag mouth to convey that encroaching dread? b) name your seashell. Personally, I prefer using names of famous people, such as Shelly Long, Shelly Duvall, Shelly Winters, or Shel Silverstein, but you can use anything you’d like. c) lastly, if you’re still not feeling as connected to your seashell as you’d like, go all out! Make an eHarmony profile for your seashell using its given name and a photo. While you’re at it, make one for yourself and hook yourself up with your newly created friend!

Congratulations! You’ve just finished a super fun, crafty project for which all your friends will secretly judge you!