The Life-Changer

(LESLIE, a forty-something woman with flowing blond hair and dressed in a fashionable white suit, stands behind a long counter against a backdrop of what appears to be an immaculate living room; standing next to her is a young man in his twenties, with rakish hair and expensive. LESLIE smiles while the young man gazes around at things off-camera.)

LESLIE: (to camera) Hello! I’m Leslie Dalton, and I’d like to thank you for tuning into the Home Shopping Channel’s “Celebs Sell Hour.” I’m live in our HSC studio here today with Hollywood’s hot upcoming actor Charz Breely, star of the popular Vampire Armageddon series. (turning) Charz, tell us briefly about your role.

CHARZ: I play Dmitri Smith, a teenager with a secret past who gets caught up in the vampire armageddon while dealing with pressing adolescent issues like, you know, love and social injustice and stuff.

LESLIE: Well, you’ve been receiving great buzz about a possible Teen Choice award. That’s quite an accomplishment for someone who just turned twenty. How excited are you about that?

CHARZ: I’m, like, pretty excited, I guess.

LESLIE: Well, let’s get to our product, shall we? (to camera) Today we’re going to be showing you folks at home a great marvel of technology. Now, you can probably tell how excited we are about this product. (motions toward an object about the size of a shoebox; it’s covered by a piece of white cloth) Charz, you and I are both pretty hip on the gadgets, what with FriendFace and MeTube, iTelephones and the like. Now, if you think technology couldn’t get any better, this device will absolutely change your life. (looking over at CHARZ, who appears to be texting beneath the counter) Wouldn’t you agree, Charz?

CHARZ: What? Oh, yeah. I really want one.

LESLIE: Well, let’s give these folks a peek at (pause) The ElectroTron 3000! (reaches for the white cloth, touches the corner, and — )

CHARZ: Leslie, can I just take a minute to say something?

LESLIE (surprised and a little unsure): Um, sure, Charz. What would you like to say about the ElectroTron 3000?

CHARZ (looking down, his face a puzzle of contemplation): Leslie, this is about all those poor people affected by the earthquake a couple weeks ago. I feel like I should really mention all of those innocent men and women and children who are still without, like, homes and power and Internet, you know? As a celebrity, I feel like it’s my responsibility to bring awareness to issues like this. The crisis in Honduras is, you know, a major thing.

LESLIE (after a pause, confused): Do you mean Haiti?

CHARZ: Yeah, the Heidians. Like, can you imagine going through that, and, like, losing your parents or families or whatever, and then not even being able to rescue any of your things — I mean, like, I would have my iPod and my computer at home, but these people have, like, their elderly and their pictures, you know. Like in picture albums. That stuff is all just … gone now.

LESLIE: Yes, well, it is such a tragedy, and we’re all doing what we can to provide relief to the many thousands of people affected. HSC has, in fact, made — and continues to make — donations to the American Red Cross and other relief organizations, and what better way to help support us in our contributions than by dialing in and ordering from our convenient selection of low-cost products? Now, here’s an item that will make your life so much easier, you’ll wonder just how you got along without it. Charz, would you like to do the honors and let our viewers take a peek at this marvelous piece of ingenuity?

CHARZ (fidgeting now, shifting from foot to foot): But can we ever really do, like, enough? You know, Lisa?

LESLIE (trying to remain patient; forces a curt laugh): It’s Leslie, Charz. And, like I said, the Home Shopping Channel has been contributing to not just the Haitian disaster but also to —

CHARZ: And where is, like, the government? What are we doing to help this situation? We’re, you know, the number one country in the world, and we can’t even get food and medical supplies to some African island? (LESLIE starts to raise her hand to cut in, but CHARZ continues) We should be figuring out how to stop earthquakes, you know? Like, why do we always have to be cleaning up after these things happen? I mean, we should be figuring out the cause and, like, fixing it.

LESLIE (rubbing her forehead, obviously annoyed now): Well, Charz, there are so many things that don’t make sense about what you’ve just said. Even if I wanted to stand here correcting you, I wouldn’t know where to begin …

CHARZ (oblivious, talking over LESLIE): And to think that the people of America can spend their days not thinking about these issues is just appealing, you know. It makes me sick to think about the consumerist status of our society and stuff, you know? Like, how about instead of spending money on cars that get ten miles a gallon, we send some support to our African brothers and sisters when they need it? (turns to LESLIE, nods his head up and down as if searching for her endorsement)

LESLIE (after a silent moment, cautiously): How … true, Charz. (Her hand lumbers toward the edge of the white cloth) So, here we have the ElectroTron 3000, which will make doing things like cleaning a bathroom or getting your children’s hair cut so unbelievably simple that — (she pauses, looks off-camera, apparently listening to someone; she then looks back into the camera with a defeated look) Well, that’s all the time we have for our segment. So, call in folks, to get your very own ElectroTron 3000. Coming up next, HSC’s Kelly Landerpole will be continuing the “Celebs Sell Hour” with country singer Bucky Camden. So, stay tuned, folks.

CHARZ: Can I just say one more thing?

LESLIE (to segment producer, as she’s removing her mic): Just cut to commercial.