For example, they tried to plug the hole in the pipe with golf balls. Golf balls! Seriously BP? Gee, I can't imagine why that didn't work...I think we can do a little better than that, can't we? I can't think of a greater waste of golf balls--except perhaps to actually use them for golf (not fan of golf).
Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about it and I've decided to put my genius towards solving the problem brewing in the Gulf. If BP isn’t going take advice from Mr. James “King of the World” Cameron, maybe they’ll listen to some unemployed dude living in Saint Louis (hey it could happen). So, without further ado, here is a list of at least 5 other things I’d try cramming into that pipe BEFORE I’d even CONSIDER golf balls.
2. Bounty Paper Towels—The quilted, quicker, thicker, picker-upper! Have you folks at BP SEEN a Bounty paper towel commercial? You can wipe your kitchen counter and WRING the paper towel over the sink! It’s like a rag. I’m not saying one or two rolls are going to put an end to the spill, but one or two MILLION ROLLS might do the job.
3. Great Stuff Foam—My wife swears by this stuff, she uses it to patch holes in her tires (rather than buying a new tire, which is what I usually do). Hmm, leaky tire…leaky pipe. Get an oil tanker full of this stuff and pump it down where the oil is gushing. Sure, they’ll have to get a new pipe after about 20 miles, but at least it’ll get them where they’re going (ha-ha).
4. Junk Mail—Since buying a house, I get about two letters a week for crappy Life Insurance. I imagine everyone reading this gets at minimum 15 pieces of junk mail a week. Take all that crap and cram it into the pipe. Hell, you could probably fill the entire length of the pipe with junk mail AND still have enough to fill the Grand Canyon half-way. Oh crap, I mentioned another natural wonder…hope I didn’t give BP any ideas.
5. Dead Whales/Sea Life—Let me start off by saying, I love whales. Back in January I saw whales off the coast of Hawaii (like, in the wild). Amazing, beautiful creatures. It’s a damn shame that we’re fucking up their habitat. However, this oil spill is killing all sorts of wildlife—why let all those lives be lost in vain? I say, scoop up all the dead birds, fish, whales, manatees…whatever, and cram them into that hole.
Bonus: Sand from all the ruined beaches—So this oil spill is ruining beaches in the Gulf Coast…so why not take that oily-sand and shovel it up and cram it into the pipe. A couple hundred pounds of sand won’t do the trick—but MILLIONS of ruined beach sand might do the trick.
You’re welcome BP.
In no particular order:
1. Tampons—Look, I don’t want to be crass…but what the hell, this is a national tragedy. Do we really have the time to be “sensitive”? Hell no. Plug that hole the same way women around the globe plug theirs. I suggest the “heavy flow” variety for this underwater debacle. Yeah, I went there, get over it Flipper is dying!
1. Tampons—Look, I don’t want to be crass…but what the hell, this is a national tragedy. Do we really have the time to be “sensitive”? Hell no. Plug that hole the same way women around the globe plug theirs. I suggest the “heavy flow” variety for this underwater debacle. Yeah, I went there, get over it Flipper is dying!
2. Bounty Paper Towels—The quilted, quicker, thicker, picker-upper! Have you folks at BP SEEN a Bounty paper towel commercial? You can wipe your kitchen counter and WRING the paper towel over the sink! It’s like a rag. I’m not saying one or two rolls are going to put an end to the spill, but one or two MILLION ROLLS might do the job.
3. Great Stuff Foam—My wife swears by this stuff, she uses it to patch holes in her tires (rather than buying a new tire, which is what I usually do). Hmm, leaky tire…leaky pipe. Get an oil tanker full of this stuff and pump it down where the oil is gushing. Sure, they’ll have to get a new pipe after about 20 miles, but at least it’ll get them where they’re going (ha-ha).
4. Junk Mail—Since buying a house, I get about two letters a week for crappy Life Insurance. I imagine everyone reading this gets at minimum 15 pieces of junk mail a week. Take all that crap and cram it into the pipe. Hell, you could probably fill the entire length of the pipe with junk mail AND still have enough to fill the Grand Canyon half-way. Oh crap, I mentioned another natural wonder…hope I didn’t give BP any ideas.
5. Dead Whales/Sea Life—Let me start off by saying, I love whales. Back in January I saw whales off the coast of Hawaii (like, in the wild). Amazing, beautiful creatures. It’s a damn shame that we’re fucking up their habitat. However, this oil spill is killing all sorts of wildlife—why let all those lives be lost in vain? I say, scoop up all the dead birds, fish, whales, manatees…whatever, and cram them into that hole.
Bonus: Sand from all the ruined beaches—So this oil spill is ruining beaches in the Gulf Coast…so why not take that oily-sand and shovel it up and cram it into the pipe. A couple hundred pounds of sand won’t do the trick—but MILLIONS of ruined beach sand might do the trick.
You’re welcome BP.
4 comments:
Yes it does sound like it should be simpler to stop the leak and I too just don't understand why it has not been done already. Personally I like the tampon or the great stuff idea. Here's hoping they listen to your ideas and get the leak stopped before it gets any worse!
The whole situation has gone from tragedy to farce. I can't believe that 11 people and countless sea critters have died...and no one seems able to stop it.
I think we shouldn't be drilling in the ocean unless we have our shit together enough to cap a major leak like this one.
I hope the Gulf isn't ruined forever.
Jason, I really enjoyed your completely scientific solutions to the BP gross-negligence debacle -- er, I mean, unavoidable tragedy that was no one's fault. I, too, think that the giant tampon would do wonders to remedy Mother Earth's oil menstruation, but it brings up the question: where will we find a waste basket big enough to hold it once it's sopped up the oil? I don't want that thing lying around in a landfill near MY house. Instead, I think we should go with the "shove in all the dead creatures killed by corporate greed" solution and let nature take its course.
Excellent, hilarious post (well, hilarious except for all the death and destruction parts...)
Thanks for the kind words Mike. I don't know where we'll put the giant tampon...I'm only thinking short-term right now.
I think it's hilarious, too (except for all the death and destruction).
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