A Hare-y Situation

Aliens & Politics

You know what the most unrealistic part of STAR TREK is?

Not the transporter. Or the faster-than-light "warp" drive. Hell, not even Shatner's hair (in the later films). No, for me the most unrealistic part of TREK has to do with the politics.

Or rather, the lack thereof.

See, in Sci-fi (TREK is really guilty of this) when humans encounter various alien races, 99.999% of the time that race is "united." By that I mean, when an alien or human is asked where they’re from they say things like "I'm from Earth" or "I'm from Vulcan."

What they don't say is "I'm from the United States, on Earth."

They don't say stuff like that because in the realm of TREK, we've moved past trivial things like "countries." Our planet is unified under a single government. Here on Earth (right now) most people are freaked out by such a proposition. Conservative talk-radio is brimming with wackos who warn of the coming "one world government."

I for one welcome a unified "human" government. I think it would be great to have one centralized planetary government. I also think Communism is a fantastic way to run things, too. If we were all Borg (or Droids) a single, planet-wide government would solve everything.

However, people are corrupt, selfish, and downright evil. So Communism or a Single Government will never work. I mean, just imagine the pork of a one world government!

By "pork" I refer to the practice politicians have where they try to "bring home" government money to help their region--even if they don't really need it. Pork is used to curry favor with the electorate and win elections. It's also used to line their pockets.

Imagine if the representatives in this Planetary government were tasked with THE WORLD'S wealth. Where do you think that money’s going? Here’s a hint: not fucking Africa. Besides, look at Europe and all the problems they're having with the European Union! You think ALL the countries of the world can come together when a FEW can't?

Get real Roddenberry.

I Googled the term "Alien Politics" and this image came up...the Internet is a freaky place kids.

The idea of a single world-wide government is great, but I just don't see it ever working. Well, actually I guess it would work if all but one country was destroyed--but that's madness. And unless they ARE Borg/robots, I can't imagine a race of aliens that would be able to overcome this sort of political splintering either.

Now before you super-Trekkers jump my shit about things like the Klingon Civil War or the strife on Bajor--I realize that modern TREK does have shades of "real world" politics in it. But overall, in general...TREK portrays a Federation of Planets that could not AND WILL not exist. Not because there are no tribbles or impulse engines...but because people are greedy, self-centered, and untrustworthy.

Think I'm being cynical?

Hell, we have towns IN THIS COUNTRY that fight each other over water rights and boundary disputes. States argue too (see: THE CIVIL WAR). The Federal Government and the States don't even get along. Right now Arizona is passing all kinds of crazy fucking laws...

Anyway, I would LOVE for all of humanity to just BE. No boundaries or "opposing teams." I wish like hell there was only one single unit for human beings to belong. I wish people would say "I'm from Earth" and not "I'm from England." People should think bigger than themselves, but we can't and we won't.

It bums me out and ruins a lot of sci-fi for me.

Recently, Stephen Hawking issued a pretty dire warning to people regarding aliens. He basically said we should be afraid of aliens and try like hell to keep them from finding us. He suggests that any alien race capable of reaching us would be so advanced they'd probably consider us ants (and just assume step on us than talk to us).

I respect Professor Hawking (because he's the smartest man alive) but I have to disagree with him to an extent. I think we SHOULD fear aliens, but not because they might be "too smart" to deal with us. No, I think we should fear aliens because of all the stupid political parties/crazy religions they will no doubt be towing our way.

Imagine a space-version of Rush Limbaugh (six heads, four hands, eight eyes--but still no heart). Or how about laser-wielding missionaries for the Church of Zorg? Yikes. I think I'd rather kiss the Xenomorph from Aliens than listen to the Saucer-Men's thoughts/ideas on health care reform (or whatever).

E.T. please, whatever you do…don’t take me to your leader.

Just A Few Things I'll (Probably) Never Do

Ride A Bike

Jump Rope

Feed A Cat To An Alligator

My One Wikipedia Article

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but sometime around junior college my knowledge of rock music eclipsed everything else. Growing up I listened to classic radio and watched 80's-era MTV because that's what my parents were into.

My Uncle David was another influence, as he's pretty much always been into music (especially the weird, lesser-know variety). My Uncle bought my parents their first CD player, back when they were as big as VHS players. We only owned 2 CD's initially--"A Decade of Steely Dan" and "Revolver." I love both those records (excuse me, CD's) to this day.

In High School I got into blues music via Cream/Eric Clapton. My Mom and I used to listen to a radio program called "The Friday Night Fish-Fry" which was all classic rhythm and blues music. Music and reading were pretty much neck and neck in my life as "the most important thing," but that changed once I started going to shitty music clubs to see indie rock bands.

Anyway, I both pity and envy the kids of today. The music business/record industry/radio have undergone a dramatic change. The classic rock station I grew up listening to in KC is off the air...and most kids don't own CD's anymore. On the other hand, it's easier than ever to find killer music online.

I like two websites above all others when it comes to trolling for new artists: Allmusic.com and Wikipedia. Allmusic is a blog that features TONS of artist bios and album reviews. I use it to really dig into a band or artist's back-catalog. But sometimes I want a little more than Allmusic can offer, so I dig around on Wikipedia.

Sphere-puzzles are a bitch to put together...

Everyone knows that Wikipedia is THE ultimate encyclopedia written for the people BY the people. Many don't trust it, but for a guy like me it's perfect (I mean, if I'm looking up Pink Floyd singles do I care who wrote the info? It's not like I'm performing heart surgery with this info). Wikipedia even notes on their website that when it comes to matters of "pop culture" Wikipedia's "good" (the reason being that's all 99.999% of us specialize in anymore).

However, sometimes I there are gaps.

For example, a totally awesome power-pop band from the 1990's called Jellyfish. I'm pretty confident that, unless you last name is "Wendleton" and you're reading this--you've never heard of them.

But. Jellyfish. Is. Amazing.

So back in May of 2006, when the band's greatest hits CD came out, I bought it (sure, I own the band's only two albums, but there's a couple of cool unreleased/live tracks on there I wanted). I was messing around on Wikipedia and saw that the CD was listed in the band's discography...but sadly there was no article ON the album itself.

Instead of saying "that's too bad," I read the Wikipedia tutorial/rules and WROTE the article myself. This is the approach I take to my fiction writing too, by the way. I think up a story, and if I can't read it elsewhere, I write it. It's a good way of doing things.

So I wrote the entry. Kind of a strange world we live in when the encyclopedias are all dead...and guy's like me are writing free, informative articles online.

It's not a big deal (or very long, I could only write what I knew and could prove) but here is my one and only Wikipedia article.

Catman: The Movie

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near YOU!!!

(Maybe.)

4 Hilarious Michael Wense Photobombs

Photobomb(verb): "to drop into a photo unexpectedly...to hop into a picture just before it is taken" [Definition courtesy of Urban Dictionary.com]

Spring Hay Fever

Springtime, I'm glad that you're here,

But, hey, let's get one thing clear:

For Nature, pollen is good,

But for once I really would

Enjoy a season without

Achoo-ing my eyeballs out.

Come on, Mother Nature! Please!

Don't make me have one more sneeze!

Sunny

Mike's post last week about got me thinking about some of my old pets. My family is big of animals, so growing up we always had something crawling around our house. The first pet I can remember was my parents cat Kitty-Witty. Kitty-Witty pre-dated my sister and I , so by the time I met her she was an old lady. She did a lot of lurking. Now that I think about it, she was less of a "pet" and more of a "presence" in our household (not much fun). So I don't count her as my first pet.

We had a pet duck named Daffy for a few days--but he doesn't really count either because we had to give him up.

I guess I consider our first dog Cherokee to be my first "real" pet.

We got Cherokee because my parents were worried my sister and I were afraid of dogs. So to cure this fear they decided to get us one. While I appreciate their intentions, I shudder to think what they'd have done if they'd know that we feared clowns MUCH more than we feared dogs. I can almost see it, we'd have just come home from school...our parents sit us down...a leering clowning "honking" his nose in the corner of the room.

My father would have said something like:

"Jason, Amber...we have something for you! His name is Bubbles and we want you to make sure you feed and brush him every day."

*HONK-HONK*

I guess it's good we kept our clown-phobia a secret.

Anyway, they got us a dog.

Cherokee was a Golden Lab, which is hands-down my favorite type of dog. Labs are just great overall, a little on the destructive side as puppies (but aren't we all?), but great with people. Cherokee quickly wiggled her way into our hearts, and my sister and I were free of dog-anxiety. The next pet I got was a pair of gerbils I named Mario and Luigi (after my two favorite Italian plumbers). Once they met a sad fate (tails cut off by psycho kid next-door) I got Sunny.

Sunny was a Red-Eared Terrapin. I named him (at least, I assume it was a him...telling the sex of a turtle is tricky for a small child) "Sunny" because the sign on his aquarium at the pet shop said he hailed from Florida.

Where it's sunny. Get it?

This is roughly what Sunny looked like.

Anyway, Sunny was great but he freaked me out. When you pick up a little turtle like Sunny they tend the swipe at you with their feet. It doesn't hurt, but it felt strange and one time he did this to me I dropped him inside our house. Now, whatever lies you've been fed over the years about turtles being slow are false. Let me assure you that Sunny was a SPEED DEMON when he wanted to be.

He landed on the floor with a plop! and bolted towards the bar in our kitchen. My Uncle David was visiting at the time, and he managed to quickly bend down and snatch Sunny up before he could crawl underneath (and be lost forever)--but it was at a high cost.

For you see, David spit the ass of his pants out...

That Sunny was a real rebel.

He didn't care who's pants he ruined.

I used to dig up worms for him to eat and then watch him slurp them up like fat, writhing spaghetti. Because he was from Florida, Sunny lived mostly in the water, but he did have a big piece of quartz that he liked to climb up on. For the most part, Sunny was a fun, unoffensive pet--however there was one problem with Sunny.

He stunk.

Or rather, he stunk up his water. The water in his aquarium needed to be changed, and it was pretty gross (what with his turtle poop floating around in it). My mother, bless her, was the one who ended up doing this nasty bit of work. In fact, my Mom got stuck taking care of pretty much all of our pets after a while. I guess this is why we never got a pet without Mom's approval. She knew she'd be the one to take care of it, so unless she agreed it was a no-go.

Sunny became stinker and stinker as time went by, and eventually I knew that I was too old to have my mother cleaning-up after my turtle. I figured he'd die and I'd be off the hook--but reptiles live FOREVER--so instead I ended up giving Sunny to a neighborhood friend just before we moved away.

I never saw him again, but I like to think he had a pretty good ride. In fact, he's probably still alive...pooping and swiping. I'm serious, think twice before buying a reptile as a pet. Really be prepared to go in for the "long haul." There are turtles that are over 100 years old! Imagine all the pants they've ruined in that century!!!

So little Jimmy/Susie: I know you want that pet turtle, and you say you'll take care of him--but I know what'll happen...you'll enjoy him for a few decades and then get bored.