Obviously, the less time you have to spend at your family’s Thanksgiving, the better. Unless you live in your parents' basement or have what an ethicist calls "morals," this is as simple as a well-crafted lie. Avoid stories about “getting stuck in traffic” or “hitting a wild animal,” as these are obvious fabrications. Instead, go with something a bit more dramatic; the more unbelievable it is, the more likely your family will have no choice but accept it. “I’m sorry I’m late, but there was a drug bust in my apartment complex!” is an excellent example of how to excuse your tardiness.
2. Avoid Discussion Of Your Latest Relationship Disaster
Once you arrive, your family will no doubt want to “catch up” and hear about all the reasons why you have yet to get married and have children. It is wise to keep these questions at bay, as who would want to dwell on why he or she is not good enough for a significant other? Instead, make a preemptive strike. Talk about upcoming birthdays, last week’s American Idol vote-offs, or your cousin’s latest abortion. These topics are guaranteed to keep your relatives talking or arguing for hours.
3. Before Dinner, Seek Out Interesting Relatives To Talk To
Just because your family’s chatting it up doesn’t mean you’re going to want to join in. So, to keep yourself occupied, scout the room; find those relatives that aren’t talking about babies or poring over vacation photos. Interesting relatives who provide the most interesting conversation topics include drunken uncles or recent parolees. Who doesn’t enjoy prison stories about Hubcap, the Polish shanker? Stay away from relatives suffering from obvious drug addictions, as their lighthearted tales of dumpster diving invariably turn to pleads for money.
4. When Sitting Down To Eat, Choose A Seat Where You Cannot See A Clock
Unless, by some rare occurrence, you find yourself enjoying the evening, the worst possible thing you can do to yourself is watch the time. So, sit facing away from a wall clock, microwave LCD, or VCR display. Avoid wearing a watch, and if you have your cellphone on you, place a piece of black electrician’s tape over the external display to help keep you from peeking.
5. Steer Away From "Hot Button" Issues
Just like on a first date or a late-night trip to the bathhouses, holidays are never the place to bring up your religious, political, or ethical views. So what if you feel that the ground-up fetuses of lambs makes for the best skin creams? Don’t share. Maybe your grandmother is a secret supporter of PETA. Did you agree with the policies of George Bush, the 43rd President of the United States? Of course not! Only a select number of former mental patients and retarded salamanders stuck around on that sinking ship, but now is not the time to bring up this or your hardcore association with Amnesty International. Keep to tamer topics and one-sided issues, like the eternal debate between Ford and Chevrolet, or ask, “Who here agrees that bestiality is a good thing?”
6. If You Reach A Lull In The Evening, Investigate The House
All conversations eventually run dry, and so you may find it necessary to excuse yourself for a moment to shake off boredom. Avoid taking any hallucinogens, as this tends to lead to what families sometimes refer to as “awkward moments.” Rather, take a few minutes to investigate what’s behind the house’s closed doors. What kinds of prescription medications are kept in the bathroom cabinet? Are there hidden prisoners in the basement? How much dirty laundry has been put off and shoved into the master bedroom? However, be cautious investigating these rooms. The last thing you want to discover as you’re trying to pass the time is something like your Aunt Millie’s secret collection of sex toys or Great-Uncle Bertram’s extensive stash of antique Nazi paraphernalia.
7. Avoid Children
When’s the last time a child or infant asked to mix you a drink or take your finished plate into the kitchen? If you are able to actually name a time, then you are delusional. That’s right, because children are not even people and therefore unable to care about how you feel. Children are the last thing you want to deal with when you’re near family, as they are best described by the term “takers.” All they do is want you to watch them perform inane tasks like spin in a circle or pound out notes on the electric keyboard that for some unknown reason their parents got them for their birthday a few weeks ago and, why the heck not, brought it along to Thanksgiving so that they could perform a rendition of what you can only assume is a Schubert piece because you have no idea what the hell it is. If kids are present and unavoidable, make up a game for them to play. Tell them you’ve hidden delicious treasures at the other end of the house and that other, more clever children are looking for them, so they’d better hurry along. Or, have them play Traffic Cop out on the highway. Children, like religious nuts, have great imaginations; use this to your advantage.
8. Bring Backup
In dire situations involving the most unbearable of families, one might find it necessary to recruit a backup, someone to whom you can talk throughout the evening. This can be a friend willing to come of their own accord, but in order to get them to agree you may have to “sugar-coat the truth” a little. Do not go into detail about your niece’s gangster boyfriend or your second cousin’s extensive mob ties; your friend may not want to become entangled in any webs of deceit or illegality. Sometimes you may need to call in a favor. “Remember that time I was your surrogate?” you may have to remind your friend. Or, if applicable, “The summer of ’97: I’ve still got the photos and the bloody knife.”
9. Have A Friend Phone Your Cell
If you anticipate the evening dragging on with no end in sight, it may be wise to arrange for a friend to call you. Predetermine a time, and if your friend hasn’t received word from you, have him call your cell. The conversation doesn’t have to last long; just remember that your facial expressions must match whatever story you make up. Alert relatives may notice your lack of concern if, minutes later, you announce that your best friend has been in an industrial accident or run down by a freight train.
10. Replace Cooked Turkey With "Wild Turkey"
This is to be used on a case-by-case basis. Examine your own personal drinking habits before utilizing this tip. If you’re one for keeping embarrassing secrets or prone to displays of public nudity, perhaps taking in massive amounts of bourbon is not the best course of action. If, however, you are a seasoned drinker and relatively confident that inebriation will help smooth out your evening, eat as little food as possible. If you have a strong craving for your sister’s succulent turkey, just remind yourself that that’s what leftovers are for. Right now, much like with a kidney stone, you need to focus on passing this evening. If you feel uncomfortable drinking Wild Turkey directly from a glass, mix it with a carbonated beverage like soda. That way, by the time anyone suspects anything’s up, you’ll be too sloshed to care. Just remember never to share your drink with a grabby-handed underage niece or nephew, and if you must sober up before you drive home, do it outside, safely in your car. Follow these helpful hints and you’ll be well on your way to heading out the front door pain-free and with one more holiday done!
