Becky Hausman, Human Resources

Well, hey there! Please, do sit down! How are you doing today? Oh, that’s good to hear. How’s your wife doing, Bill? Oh, that’s awful. Malaria? Who on earth would’ve thought it, and in this day and age! I am so sorry for your loss. I’ll certainly have to update your file.

Oh, me? I’m doing just fine. Thank you so much for asking. I see you peeking, mister and, yes, this is an engagement ring! This spring my boyfriend Lance and I will be having a lovely ceremony at the Confederate Memorial over in Stone Mountain. Have you been there? It’s just beautiful that time of year. I’ve lived here in Georgia all my life and I just can’t imagine getting married anywhere else! Oh, really? You grew up here in Atlanta, too? Well, isn’t that something?

Listen, Bill, the reason I asked to see you today is that, well …

Would you like some candy, Bill?

One of the perks of being in human resources is the excuse to keep a big old thing of chocolates on your desk!

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were diabetic. I’ll add that to your file, too.

I’m just playing!

Do you mind if I have just a tiny piece?

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Mmm.

Now, the reason I asked to see you today is because, as I’m sure you’re aware, the economy is in shambles right now, just all messed up.

Boy, that chocolate just gets all over your fingers, doesn’t it? Pass me a tissue? My, this desk is so big!

And in these hard economic times, a company like this one has some hard decisions to make. People these days — everyday, regular people like you and me, Bill — just aren’t buying keychains like they used to! Let me ask you: when’s the last time you bought a keychain? I know I can’t remember the last time I paid for one. Of course, between you and me, as an upper-level executive here I get more keychains than I know what to do with!

Would you like one?

No? Okay.

Well, anyway, for a company that manufactures keychains, you can imagine, these are not ideal circumstances. Car sales are down. People are losing their homes! These individuals aren’t buying our valuable, quality products, Bill, and that means one thing: trouble. Trouble for this organization.

And so, we are faced with hard decisions.

What’s that?

Oh, Bill, let’s not get ahead of ourselves!

No one’s saying anything for certain, although I’m sure you may have heard from some of your fellow employees in the miniature nose hair clipper division — who have chosen of their own accord to pursue other employment options — silly buzzwords like “downsizing” and “mass layoffs.” But I want to tell you, Bill, that these are nothing but exaggerations, just like when my Uncle Philip told his fishing stories or Mr. Hasselbeck talked about monkeys turning into human beings in science class.

There. There, that’s better.

Would you like a glass of water, Bill? You look a bit peaked.

You can have one of my bottled waters. Here you go. I keep them in my little mini fridge here because that water fountain is just so far away, isn’t it? And, let me tell you, Bill, that these Jimmy Choo heels were not designed for comfort! Lord have mercy.

Now, back to the matter at hand. I don’t want to alarm you, but there has been some discussion at the executive level about cutting costs. Trimming the fat, sort of, so that this company can survive these trying times.

Nose hair clippers has been a lucrative area for Lachman Company Keychains, but recently it’s been losing market share to other, newer growth areas. Like those little computer flash drives, for instance. My sister in California calls ‘em peanuts — isn’t that just crazy, Bill? Now, those have a very practical and handy purpose. People want those. Over the past six months we’ve seen a ninety-eight percent decline in miniature nose hair clipper keychains, Bill.

Now, as you’ve probably heard, we’ve transferred some people from nose hair clippers to the new “peanut” division.

Doesn’t that have a nice ring to it, by the way? I suggested it myself, can you believe it?

Anyway, a few of your colleagues have been successfully transitioned.

The bad news, Bill … Well, the bad news is that we just don’t feel you would work out in the peanut division.

What?

Oh, Bill, no. No. This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you’re getting close to your retirement. That’s just silly. And you know what, Bill? I resent that implication. That hurts. This company has been very good to you, your wife, your kids, Bill.

You don’t have any?

Oh, my mistake. Let me just jot that down for your file here.

Now, Bill, I empathize. I really do. It’s difficult losing a job. When I was eight, my cousin and I had a little old lemonade stand, just a rinkydink setup like you see in all those old TV shows. You know the kind, Bill, with the hand-painted sign and everything. Well, my cousin Lisa, see, she was a year older than me and I was just awful at selling lemonade to people. Lisa said I distracted the customers because I smiled too much, but that was just how I was! Goodness gracious, Bill, can you believe it? Someone saying it was a bad thing for me to be too happy? Well, she got rid of me after a single day! Said I couldn’t come back. Not one full eight hour shift, Bill, and I, little old sweet-as-a-peach Becky Hausman got the ax! Thrown out like a sweet little baby with the bathwater!

Can you pass me another tissue? Why, thank you, Bill.

I always get a little misty-eyed when I tell that story. I’m just going to turn away while I blow my nose.

There, that’s better.

So, Bill, I get it. I know what you’re going through.

Bill, I’m so sorry about all this. I really am. I feel like we’ve really made a connection, you and I, and I just know that you’ll do well in whatever interests you decide to pursue.

There’s just one formality left, I’m afraid. I just need you to sign these forms here. Standard insurance and severance information. Oh, you’re a doll, Bill, a real doll. None of the others took the news with half the grace you did, Bill.

Well, you run along now and enjoy the rest of your day because you deserve it, Bill, You really do. As for me, I’ve got to get these shoes off. They’re killing me! Oh, there, that’s better.

And Bill, before you go, are you sure you don’t want some candy? Not even just a few pieces for the road?