As many of you know, I’m not very religious. In fact, I’m not religious at all. For this reason, I don’t want a traditional “service” before I am laid to rest.
What I’d like instead, is a bit simpler:
1. Everyone in attendance is to receive 4 ounces of red Play-Doh (or similar modeling clay). This clay is to be opened and played with during the “ceremony.”
2. All parties in attendance are to not wear ties or jackets/blazers. Casual attire is to be worn.
3. Bagpipe music** is to play ten minutes before the “ceremony” begins.
4. My eulogy is to be delivered by a male relative (preferably my eldest son). If no male relatives can be found, find a dog (Labrador preferred) and have him sit before the mourners (nothing will be said).
5. Please display a variety of photos/odd video clips that you have of me. Try to mix it up and show a wide selection of my life, but when in doubt—go with the “Young Jason” rather than the older, fatter, “Vegas years Jason.”
6. Once the photos have been displayed, allow ten minutes for everyone in attendance to get up and say something (anything) about me. Please do not allow anyone I’ve slept with to speak (with the exception of my wife).
7. After the recollections of those in attendance, a selection of my various writings can be read (but please, not this post).
8. The ceremony is to be capped off by a rousing musical number! Please play the entire B-Side of ABBEY ROAD. If using a CD or MP3 file, please note that the medley begins at “You Never Give Me Your Money” and ends with “Her Majesty.” This should be played at the loudest possible volume.
9. Dispense cheap lighters.
10. Play “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin (use lighters)—this will conclude the “ceremony.”
Of course, there are other things to consider: like what happens to my body once the “ceremony” is complete.
1. Everyone in attendance is to receive 4 ounces of red Play-Doh (or similar modeling clay). This clay is to be opened and played with during the “ceremony.”
2. All parties in attendance are to not wear ties or jackets/blazers. Casual attire is to be worn.
3. Bagpipe music** is to play ten minutes before the “ceremony” begins.
4. My eulogy is to be delivered by a male relative (preferably my eldest son). If no male relatives can be found, find a dog (Labrador preferred) and have him sit before the mourners (nothing will be said).
5. Please display a variety of photos/odd video clips that you have of me. Try to mix it up and show a wide selection of my life, but when in doubt—go with the “Young Jason” rather than the older, fatter, “Vegas years Jason.”
6. Once the photos have been displayed, allow ten minutes for everyone in attendance to get up and say something (anything) about me. Please do not allow anyone I’ve slept with to speak (with the exception of my wife).
7. After the recollections of those in attendance, a selection of my various writings can be read (but please, not this post).
8. The ceremony is to be capped off by a rousing musical number! Please play the entire B-Side of ABBEY ROAD. If using a CD or MP3 file, please note that the medley begins at “You Never Give Me Your Money” and ends with “Her Majesty.” This should be played at the loudest possible volume.
9. Dispense cheap lighters.
10. Play “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin (use lighters)—this will conclude the “ceremony.”
Of course, there are other things to consider: like what happens to my body once the “ceremony” is complete.
Because I have married someone with a religious preference, our bodies will not be allowed to be buried together. As in life, I will be the one to compromise on this issue. Since this Pharaoh will not need his bones in the next “whatever,” just cremate my remains and sprinkle them atop my wife’s grave. Hopefully she will still be alive longer after I am dead, so just save them. If sprinkling my ashes is somehow offensive to her faith, and is not allowed…fuck that, do it anyway. If you have to sneak around to do it that’s okay. In fact, sneak around anyway. I’m all about respecting people’s faith, but I think it’s bullshit that a religion would actively try to keep a married couple apart—especially in death.
That’s not so much to ask is it? Play-Doh, ABBEY ROAD medley, cremation, desecration of a Jewish cemetery. I’ve tried to keep it nice and simple.
That’s not so much to ask is it? Play-Doh, ABBEY ROAD medley, cremation, desecration of a Jewish cemetery. I’ve tried to keep it nice and simple.
** "Mull of Kintyre"
3 comments:
As I wrote this post, I became angrier and angrier when I thought about where my final remains will rest (you know, for eternity).
What I finally decided was: religion is nothing but a divider, and I hate it. Also, any system that would keep people apart is terrible--whether it be a religious-oriented cemetery or a government (like say one that won't allow people to marry or fight in the military openly).
Anyway, my two cents.
Jason, I think your unabashedly pro-Republican, pro-religion views speak for all of us here at Scattershot (a subsidiary of Fox News).
Fair and Balanced.
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